What am I?Tweets.What do newly married couples get on their wedding day thats long and sometimes hard?A new last name.Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?The taste.I want to be inside you every day, and you can set me to vibrate for extra fun. Do you know what this shirt is made of? You use your fingers to get me on and pull me off. The Pope and most Catholic bishops rarely use theirs. (for a not so subtle way of asking her for sex) Let my pork see your pie! There's so much I'd like to do to you. 157 Dirty Minded Jokes That Will Bring Out Your Naughty Side, 155 Best Wedding Jokes to Kick off Your Speech, 160 Hilarious Wife Jokes to Spark Joy in Your Marriage, Short Dirty Jokes That Will Make You Laugh, 150 Hilarious Train Jokes to Engineer Laughs on Your Face, 150 Hilarious Tree Jokes to Fresh Your Mind, 152 Hilarious Wine Jokes to Make Conversation More Enjoyable, 151 Hilarious Tomato Jokes That Are So Juicy. 19. 24. It doesnt cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.What do a hooker and bungee jump have in common?Unfortunately, if the rubber breaks, you are obviously screwed.A dad tells his son Stop masturbating! Because youve got fine written all over you. The calendar. How did the phone propose to his girlfriend? Im taking this shit to a whole new level.2 men went 2 a callgirl.1st went in and came out n said: Na my wife is better.2nd went in and came out n said: U R right ur wife is much better.What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?A beaver dam!It goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet. More jokes about: love, marriage, mean, money, Valentines day A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Tap To Copy. Theyll dessert you. What did one Bloody Mary say to the other on Valentines Day? (The dad joke is a totally under-appreciated art form.) 7. One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.You know youre getting old when your wife says, Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,And you answer, I cant do both.Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.What do a guy and a car have in common?They both have an ability to misfire.Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?Because his wife has passed away. Asia Africa Roses are red. What did one prune say to the other after agreeing to grab dinner? 69 Seriously Dirty Jokes and Memes (That Will Make You Cover Your Eyes) by Eric Russell. What am I?Nose.Ive currently got a stalker. Sense of Humor The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note: Brain Teaser When do bed bugs fall in love? All his friendships were completely pla-tonic. Whats a paper cuts favorite song on Valentines Day? Why is there no jam? Waiter: "Do you have reservations?". Be mine. Such kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyone's face or could crack them up in a knotty situation. Sense of Humor. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. ", 22. Which new Taylor Swift tune is the best couple's song for two ghosts to share? What did the flower say to his unrequited love? 8. Are you in need of some dirty minded jokes? What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?I want you inside me.What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?If we dont get some support, people will think were nuts.What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion?Its not what it looks like!What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?A private tutor.What is the difference between a prostitute and a 7-year-old?You dont know? "Peas be my Valentine.". I'm nuts about you. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. Go on, don't be afraid to let your dirty talk freak flag fly. 4. Why dont we start with you kissing my Cupids Bow? But either way, most people would agree that "funny" isn't exactly the first word they would use to describe February 14. What do pieces of fruit write to each other in their V-Day cards? They're known for their hearts. Check out these dirty minded knock knock jokes that will keep everyone guessing. Sometimes, humor is all about efficiency, and short adult jokes are no exception. if you do it too long you will go blind. The son replied Dad, Im over here.A couple gets married, and on their wedding night, the wife asks what a penis is.The husband, surprised, pulls his out.She says, Oh, its like a dick but smaller.What did the sex toy store employee say to the customers before closing for the night?Its time for you to beat it! But for the rest of you, drop some dirty talk lines for Valentine's Day and ring in the holiday in style and by that, I mean in bed. Lingerie is half-off in stores today, but in my bedroom, its going to be 100% off. Roses are red, violets are blue, and all my naughty thoughts include you. ", 50. Be my valentine, Because I am horny! Ivan who?Ivan to do something naughty with you!Knock, knock.Whos there?Waiter.Waiter who?Just waiter I get my hands on you.Knock, knock.Come in.God damn it.Knock, knock.Whos there?Amanda.Amanda who?Amanda lay you, and then your lonely nights are over!Knock, knock.Whos there? Al who?Al give you a kiss if you open this door!Knock, knock.Whos there?Ima ReillyIma Reilly who?Ima Reilly excited to see you naked later.Knock, knock.Whos there?Nicholas! Funny Quotes and Sayings He added a card and proceeded home. If you play your cards right, 2-14 is gonna add up to 69. The cashier asked if Id like a bag.I said no, Ill just turn the lights off.The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. 2023 USA TODAY, a division of Gannett Satellite Information Network, LLC. Im so wet, give it to me now! She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.Whats the difference between a job and marriage?A job still sucks after 10 years.If you were born in September, its pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.What are the three shortest words in the English language?Is it in?Why do women talk so much and why do guys think so much?Because one has two lips and one has two heads.Why does a woman prefer an old gynecologist over a new one?Because the old one has shaky hands.Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?Because they wont stop to ask directions.Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, I cant talk now, Im going into a tunnel.What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? What did one piece of toast say to the other? How did one drum tell the other about its feelings? Are you copper and tellurium? Because I think you're da balm! She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, Your penis is bigger than your brothers.What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?A beaver dam!What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common?They can both smell it but cant eat it.My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. Most girls are hoping for a big rock on Valentines Day, but what I want is something that rhymes with that. That happens every time. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. And Seal doesnt have one at all. After all, everyone loves a pun (and some candy). Funny Dirty Jokes Shutterstock / Wazzkii What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? The jeweller inquired, "Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?" Vous pouvez modifier vos choix tout moment en cliquant sur le lien Tableau de bord sur la vie prive prsent sur nos sites et dans nos applications. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Your horoscope for March 4, 2023, This is the number of sexual partners the average Brit has had, Doctor explains why some men faint or get nosebleeds when they get an erection, inject a bit of humour into your Valentines Day, How your star sign can find love and who with this Valentines Day, Deliveroo is giving out free starters and desserts this Valentines Day, Do not sell or share my personal information. March 9, 2022 12. You're like my favorite card in a deck: the king/queen of *my* heart. Im an archaeologist. Well, then keep an eye on these questions because such dirty jokes can surely put them up in an awkward position. Whos there? But I refused. valentine jokes for adults. Valentine's Day has its haters. 12. Santa goes through the chimney for what reason? My ideal body weight is yours on top of mine. "What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?" I mostly live in your pants and I am always in your mind, you cannot live without me. Don't worry if you're single. Roses are red, violets are blue; I sure am glad I swiped right on you. The reception was amazing. Browse 149 dirty valentines day jokes stock photos and images available, or start a new search to explore more stock photos and images. Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?Ones a Goodyear. Sarcastic. "You're choco-late.". You sick weirdo.One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, Please send me a sister. Santa Clause wrote him back, Ok, send me your mother.Whats the best help you can give to a constipating person?Well, scare the shit outta them.Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?Theyre always on the lookout for a tight seal.What did the left nut say to the right nut?Dont talk to the guy in the middle; hes a real dick!A husband says to his wife, I bet you cant tell me something that will make me happy and sad both at the same time.She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, Your p*nis is bigger than your brothers.How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?Once you open it, you realize its half-empty.What did the clitoris say to the vulva?Its all good in the hood!. Some of those jokes are dirty jokes (never appropriate but) always funny. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones. And that was cos Id no small change for the window cleaner.All men have it. It doesnt cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?A Quarter Pounder with CheeseEvery man has one. 44. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common?They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time youre inside them.A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. Do you have a large bone youd like me to examine? If you are having a tough time while coming up with your own dirty jokes then we would suggest you to, go through the given dirty mind funny jokes for a good giggle. 15. Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London. A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, Honey, I shaved myself down there. "Well, I don't know" she answers shyly. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didnt know either.What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?She gagged.Whats a lesbians love language?Speaking in tongue.A dad tells his son Stop masturbating! Surely it will make them struggle to keep a straight face the entire time. "You're purr-fect!". Me: "No. A calendar. Are you a desert plant? Are you a parking ticket? It is a great way to impress your loved one too. Why do air fresheners love Valentine's Day? What did the light bulb say to the switch? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Why couldnt the mineral water ever score a date? Pour en savoir plus sur la faon dont nous utilisons vos donnes personnelles, veuillez consulter notre politique relative la vie prive et notre politique en matire de cookies. A hug and a quiche. Its a holiday, after all. Have you seen all jokes? You fiddle with me when youre bored. A calendar. 1. Is your name Google? What am I?A smartphone. Learn how your comment data is processed. I look back as an adult and I think, Oh, she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure. It had the exact opposite effect there is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if youre thinking, Hmm, Mumd be proud.The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. Poop couple. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. How do you get in trouble on Valentine's Day? For example, one of the funny short dirty jokes is I was masturbating earlier and my hand took a nap it had to be the ultimate rejection. Valentines cards are meant to help you express how you feel to your partner but what if your feelings arent entirely pure? What am I?An elevator. "Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag." Knock Knock,Whos there?Alpha.Alpha Who?Alpha Cure Mom.Knock, knock.Whos there?Jamaican.Jamaican who?Jamaican me horny.Knock, knock.Whos there?Ice cream.Ice cream who?Ice cream all night if youre lucky.Knock, knock.Whos there?May I come in?May I come in who?Not till we have a serious discussion about birth control.Knock, knock.Whos there?Dozer.Dozer who?Dozer the biggest breasts Ive ever seen.Knock, knock.Whos there?Ben. What am I?A coconut.You use your hand to whack me off, the bigger I am, the louder I make people scream. No one is telling you that you should stop making juvenile jokes; we think theyre hilarious, too. Well, Im gonna show you tonight, over and over and over. 34. 13. If you are easily offended or require a safe environment, these nasty jokes are not for you! Your email address will not be published. Anyone with a great sense of humor will enjoy these jokes and Valentine's Day one-liners. One hundred dollars. Whats the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? 41. What am I?TentWhats long and hard when its young and soft and small when its old?A candle.What is the difference between a womans G-spot and a quarter?Men actually have a chance of finding a quarter when they search for it. All Rights Reserved. I dont have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out? What is it?A nose.My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. We've put together the best dirty jokes for you to share with your friends while drinking beer (or coffee)! Become single. Required fields are marked *. Sometimes, giant balls hang from me. They lived harpily ever after. One of the nasty jokes forher. Are you a loan? Whale you be mine? She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." Give it to me!" she yelled. Roses are red, violets are blue, f*ck the flowers and candy, I just wanna screw. You can donate blood to me anytime since youre just my type. - 23 Mar 2022. 39 best Valentine's Day jokes, and funniest ideas for a card message Prepare to laugh. For the first time in 40 years I didn't get a Valentine's day card from a secret admirer I just don't understand it. After all, you don't want to miss out on a holiday just because you don't want to brave the holiday crowds or drop money on chocolates and candy. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Summer I lava you! 14. "Whale you be mine?". If you were a triangle, youd be acute one. They said it was a date. I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock. What did the whale say to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? That was just an insect. Wow, the boy replies. Ill be the 6, you be the 9. Discover these short dirty jokes and get a good chuckle. Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. Dirty Valentine's Day Card, I can see you cumming in my hair tonight, Inappropriate Cards, Dirty Adult Gifts, For Husband, Him, Boyfriend. "Bee mine. 4. Lorsque vous utilisez nos sites et applications, nous utilisons des, authentifier les utilisateurs, appliquer des mesures de scurit, empcher les spams et les abus; et. 20. Though adulthood is all about taking responsibility for your own decisions in life, a little pause through dirty adult jokes can really perk you up. I personally am on the fence.What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?Thanks for coming!How does a woman scare a gynecologist?By becoming a ventriloquist. 45. My ideal body weight is yours on top of mine. Is your name Chapstick? Family Friendly This has no impact on the price you pay :). Do you present the weather? Why are artichokes so beloved? Show your Valentine theyre special by rattling off some silly one-liners. Sending hilarious short dirty jokes to a mate may be a lot of fun, and you can wind up laughing your lungs out together. When is the holiday and why do we celebrate it? Man on a Valentine's date: "Table for two please.". 157 Dirty Minded Jokes That Will Bring Out Your Naughty Side.